At Canada Career Counselling, I often hear clients say things like:
I should be further along in my career.
I should have a higher salary by now.
I should choose a more practical path.
I should be more productive.
I should stay in my current job—it’s too risky to change.
If any of these sound familiar, you’re not alone. These “shoulds” are what psychologist Karen Horney described as the tyranny of the should—the pressure to live according to rigid, often unrealistic expectations, rather than what truly aligns with your values and desires.
Where Do “Shoulds” Come From?
These beliefs don’t come out of nowhere. They often stem from messages we’ve absorbed from family, teachers, peers, or the media about what success, stability, or ambition should look like. Over time, these external expectations become internalized, leading us to believe we’re falling short if we’re not living up to them.
Why “Should-ing” Hurts
When we tell ourselves we should be or do something, we send the message that who we are right now isn’t good enough—that we need to be more, do more, or achieve more to be worthy. This mindset can have real cognitive, emotional, and behavioural consequences:
Cognitive Impacts:
-
Increased anxiety and worry about being imperfect
-
Rumination over past actions or anticipated decisions
-
A false belief that perfection will lead to happiness and self-worth
Emotional Impacts:
-
Lower self-confidence and diminished sense of authenticity
-
Feelings of guilt, shame, frustration, or even depression
-
Emotional exhaustion from constantly trying to live up to an ideal
Behavioural Impacts:
-
Procrastination or withdrawal due to fear of failure
-
Perfectionism that sets unrealistic standards and undermines progress
What’s Next?
If you recognize these patterns in your own thinking—especially in how you approach your career—you’re not alone, and it’s entirely possible to shift your mindset. Stay tuned for Part 2, where I’ll share practical tools for letting go of the “shoulds” and making career decisions that feel right for you.
Reference:
Horney, K. (2013). Neurosis and human growth: The struggle toward self-realization. Routledge.
